Or are they?

Think about duck fat fries, or cheesy fries,… or chilli fries or all those wonderful spices and sauces you can have them with. Fries are more than just second fiddle. They can be first clarinet, or base drum, or hell, they can even be the whole orchestra.

Take a look and tell me you don’t want fries after this!!

Simple, plain, salted fries. Freedom fries. (Not French Fries). We love them from as soon as we can eat solid food, right up until we can’t.

The hottest chilli fries are always a good snack in-between burgers.

Cheese fries. If not the king of the sloppy food world, then one of the princes. Definitely.

Herby fries accompanied by fried who-the-hell-cares and sour cream sauce.

If you’re thinking ‘poutine’, shut up. This is duck fat fries with gravy. WINNING.

Good vs Evil. Which do you choose? Just dunk everything in everything else and stuff them into your face.

Just herby fries. The only reason for herbs is to make this ‘fancy’. Otherwise it’s just salt and potato. Earthly perfection.

Fried in duck fat. But you know, there’s something better. A little something called Bacon Fat!!!

You know what this is. Don’t you?

You can’t have a fries post without the simple old ketchup ones.

This looks like a good base for some ketchup too. The combination of ketchup and cheese sauce is a favorite of mine.

Crunchy and a hit with children and the ultra-wealthy. This is more of a shoestring but supposedly called ‘Russian’ fries.

Hope you enjoyed it and please of course do something on Facebook!

Nevertheless there exists the Sloppy Jane – Is it Joe’s slightly wobbly little sister, or perhaps a slightly slimmer feminine side which only comes out after a bottle of absinthe?

Either way the Sloppy Jane is not something to be trifled with. It can actually be a fairly decent meal in it’s own way. Even though eating it feels like you are on some kind of diet or the chef forgot how to make a proper Sloppy Joe.

The Sloppy Jane is like fat-free milk. It could possibly take the place of real milk but you will always feel like you’re missing something when you drink it.

But here are some nice photos taken of Sloppy Janes at various locations around the country.

The Sloppy Jane in its natural environment. Summer salad and clean plate. Feminine. Definitely.

A slightly more manly Sloppy Jane. This one has some potato wedges at least. Were they fried in duck fat? I hope so.

No. No, sorry. Your efforts to masculate this thing were valiant, however simply piling more Jane onto it is actually increasing the amount of Jane. Sorry.

This one is like one of those famous celebrities who we all know is gay but who keeps trying to show the public otherwise…

I’d definitely eat this one. But then I’d order a 10×10 with bacon for desert I think.

That looks too much like pickled pumpkin for my liking. If it actually is, I am never ordering one of these bastards again.

Sloppy Jane’s Pair. Nice Pair.

I know I would enjoy it but why can’t there be bacon and hot sauce and maybe a bit of habanero inside? Please?

So that’s it. What do you think? Nice food? Did the photos look OK to you or were some of them low quality?

There are also a couple of reminders of the world’s most expensive ingredients. So here they are:

Frank Tujague’s $1000 bagel. Dude just put gold on it to make it expensive…

Ingredient: Wagyu Kobe Beef Steak – well I would surely eat this and be not to upset about it. But here it looks a bit… rank.. don’t you think?

Ingredient: Matsutake Mushrooms – what the hell guys, it’s just a fungus. I don’t see how even the best cream and garlic could make this thing taste good. And yet it costs $20,000 a pound.

It’s a $350 hotdog. You insane, bro? That could buy me a hundred sloppy burgers at my local burger joint. And that would bring me much bliss. Oh yes.

You say Tomata, I say Frittata – this piece of shit costs $5000 just because it has some fish poop on top. Well done, Planet Earth, you are stupid.

And thus we conclude. I had a bunch more of these. Maybe for another post. But anyway I just feel sick seeing the amounts of money people pay for this fare. What do you think? Is it ever worth it? Comment!

But what’s your favorite chocolate cake? Tell me and I’ll travel ANYWHERE to experience it! Life is for living! Enjoy the cake!

Chocolate and orange go together suspiciously well. Especially in a cake.

Red wine, golden syrup, chocolate sauce, chocolate cake… shut up and take my money!

WordPress suggests ‘The Mona Lisa’ as a caption. I kinda agree. Very sexy cake.

If it was served on a chocolate plate, this could be the complete coco experience.

Why am I writing captions instead of EATING THIS CAKE RIGHT NOW!

The spoon makes it elegant. But would YOU use a spoon? Not I!

Warm. Soft. Mud cake. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the pinnacle of chocolate cake. Oh my.

Sorry to cut this short I have heaps more pics but oh god I need a chocolate cake fix right now… going to just spoon some cake mixture into my mouth and wash it down with hot cocoa…

Mostly, that is cake.

So here’s a tribute to the wonderful girls who are not afraid to indulge in cake. And remember everyone – Good food is fat food!

Inspired and somewhat horny from all the sugar and chicken ovaries.

Fight for the cake! The winner gets diabetes. But also my heart.

The classic obese woman indulging. This woman is in ecstasy!

Sassy Thomas if you don’t know is just one of my mistresses.

The wedding cake. Can you say ‘love’ any more perfectly than this?

Sneakily eating a burger instead of cake. She’s on a diet, folks!

The Temptation Of Julia. Almost erotica right here!!

And thus this little gallery concludes. If you aren’t hankering for some cakering right now then stick with me and I’ll make a post to get you drooling shortly.

If you ever wanted to get an idea of how I eat, it’s a little like this video. I am a lot slower though. I prefer to enjoy every grease-soaked mouthful of food like this. Plus, if I tried to eat that fast I’d probably choke to death.

Here he is, Pete eating a burger with 12 slices of cheese and 12 beef patties!

This wonderful, juicy, Type-B burger from Hardee’s, the Bacon Cheese Thick Burger has been getting a bad rap lately because people say it looks nothing like the burger in the ads.

Well, I’ll be.

Just look at this thing. It’s awesome!

Hardees Bacon Cheese ThickBurger from McFats.com

The European onion in this thing does give it too much of a kick but it’s nothing that a splash of ketchup can’t fix.

I say buy three of them! Stuff them into your face like there’s no tomorrow. Fork the advertisemen

And there’s a simple reason for it. I eat a lot. I gorge myself every day on probably the least healthy consumables I can find. I like the taste. I like the feeling and I sometimes imagine myself as some kind of king, living off the riches of the land.

But there’s things which even a mammoth unholy food digester like myself scoffs at. Yes. They are known as food and surely have some nutrition. But for me, this is not food. It’s scraps. It’s detritus. It’s leftovers, throwaways, it’s at best a mere framing for the real foods.

So what am I babbling about? Let’s start:

Boiled fish

Boiled fish is Not food. It’s flavorless protein which comes from some kind of swimming creature which swims in it’s own faeces. Maybe it’s it’s so deeply battered and fried that it is a mere white smudge inside a spicy crunchy casing it can be eaten. But plainly boiled? No. Not food.

This leads me nicely into my next objection:

Boiled potatoes

I’m sorry. If these nuggets of the earth aren’t fried in about six month old chip oil then they are just not food. Why would anyone except a starving begger on the streets of Cape Town bother to put this flavourless lump of carbohydrate into their mouth?

Directions: Cut into fries. Fry. Add salt. Then let’s talk.

Speaking of carbohydrates..:

Plain pasta

Yeah, ok sure it has some kind of red sauce, possibly of the tomato variety, on it. But it’s boiled pasta. It’s the meal of orphan italian fish peddlers. It’s what cardboard tied to the foot is to leather boots. It’s what a blade of grass is to bamboo. It’s… not going to kill you if you eat it but it’s just not the real thing. It’s not food. It’s a shadow of food. And the sad thing is, people actually eat it.

Directions: Add about 200% of the pasta’s volume in mixed cheeses, bake in the oven, slather in proper ketchup. Cut into hunks, crumb, deep fry, add salt. Enjoy.

Vegetable broth

How this meal originated I cannot imagine but I assume it was a very poor farmer who went blind, and instead of telling him that they had no food in the house, his wife got a great big bowl of hot water, put some vegetable clippings and peels into it, added salt, boiled it, and stuck his head in it.

Thus was born the most useless ‘dish’ imaginable. I’ll take my water in a bottle of soda thanks. Not in a bowl with vegetable peels floating in it.

Speaking of vegetables…:

Kimchi

Kimchi. If you’ve ever been to Korea or had the guts to try any Korean cooking, then you’ll probably know what this is. It is the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the cullinary world.

Kimchi is:

• Improper use of the pickling process
• Based on non-foods such as cabbage
• Served only after it has gone beyond the definition of ‘fresh’.

If you can imagine a more disastrous waste of spices, then you just haven’t eaten kimchi. It’s like God tried to create a meal which was the physical representation of the atmosphere created by a very small and warm room containing twenty flatulent sumo wrestlers.

If the smell doesn’t get you, the texture will.

But in terms of texture, there’s worse…:

Finely-boned fish

It’s like… “Ok we couldn’t find anything to grill but whatever that cat is eating looks nice!”

It’s not even food. I wouldn’t classify this as edible in the slightest. Firstly, it’s rubbish. It is a dead fish. It’s like someone pulled it out of the trash can, smeared it in the gutter, and grilled it.

It’s not even possible to eat this thing unless you have the patience of a sleeping Zen master. You spend more time picking the bones out of your mouth and choking on the needle-thin bits of anti-food that you’d seriously have spent your time better if you ate your own fingernails.

Fish is not food. And you know what else is not food..:

Tofu

Tofu. What the hell is it? I’ll tell you. It’s wood pulp, paper mache, and chalk.

It’s eaten by the type of people who say things like “Oooh I am so great, I don’t eat meat. I’d rather massacre an entire field of beanstalks, beat the juice out of them, let it fester and mould, and then give it a stupid name, and then eat the result.”

Such people should be eaten themselves, for whatever meat they’ve got on their bones. How’s that for saving the world?

Then again, maybe I’ve got this all wrong. Maybe Tofu is some kind of specially-formulated, placebo food designed specifically to cause vegans to starve to death…

And speaking of bloody vegans…I’ll tell you what else is not food:

Vegan meal

Oh Vegans if you care so much about the animal slaughter maybe you should cut your heads off in protest? Why do you have to gather up all the most obscure vegetable matter from around the world, put it together in some boiled and salt-free way, and then call it food?

I’ve got a really good idea.

If you want to save the animals, stop eating their dinner.

You know these vegan people have to consume twice as much food as ordinary people. And they require supplimentary vitamins and minerals, even injections sometimes. And they all still walk around like zombies. What’s the point? Instead of saving the animals, how about you save the world – from yourselves.

Croissants

Croissants. They promise a filling every time. But they always let you down.

Look at the puffiness! They could be filled with melted cheese, maybe some bacon… or maybe chocolate… from the outside they look like a real treat!

But as soon as you bite into them, your teeth are swimming in air, bits of dandruff are flaking off it all over the place, and if you breathe in you’re going to choke on it.

Croissants suck! And what’s more, they’re French! I say we rename them immediately to “Disappointment Puffs”.

But there’s nothing worse than…:

Brussels sprouts

Brussels sprouts. With the extra ‘s’. Because they come from a land of stinky hairy cheese factory workers.

Stinky men who swim in mouldy cheese have somehow managed to instill this vegetable with a stench which burns under a green flame.

They are every kid’s nightmare. They are like little cabbages, which only just missed out on this list themselves. But this stuff is like taking the worst vegetable you can imagine, compressing it, and serving in a single bowl what has essentially the equivalent flatulence potential as a sack of cabbages.

I can’t go on. I need a burger.

This is the worst post on this entire blog!!!Arrghtghhhhhhhhh get me out of herere…………….1r541e1r!#$!#$!@#$ beep

I assume it’s some kind of anti-health campaign which is designed to get more out of the customer’s pocket. Quite a devious ploy if you ask me.

And on the other hand.. Burgers… Fries… in a HOSPITAL! Whoopteedoo!! I’m going be asking for the triple-bypass burger when I go in for my triple bypass. Seriously.

But then I continued my research and found that actually, good meals are very hard to come across in hostpitals, and have been since the ’40′s.

I think there’s plenty of room for improvement but things are getting better. I mean, there’s all sorts of vending machines in hospitals these days. You can always ask the nurse to grab you a few twinkies or, if you’re a good little soldier perhaps they’ll sneak downstairs to the McDonald’s which so many hospitals have nowadays.

Well on with the visual rapery which is… HOSPITAL FOOD!

Plain, portioned, flavorless - yes, it can only be hospital food.

Ahah you see? Fried chicken, dinner roll, chocolate cake... no wonder she's smiling! And all it took was a bout of gout!

It's only hospital food because it didn't qualify as airplane food...

Brown with bleached mouse droppings. Or is it rice? Can you tell the difference when you're hopped up on morphine?

With fourteen grains of pepper, indigestible corn pellets, and something hinting at a digested taco bell meal, we call this one 'Tijuana Surprise'

It's christmas and you're in hospital. The good news is, they are pumping pure oxygen into the room, and your mother is going to help you eat your 'dinner'.

This is what good girls at the Angel Sweet Betty Crocker Sara Lee Catholic Ward get for every single meal.

We see a salad, a bread roll, chicken, rice, greens.. And a girl incapable of operating her fork.

I don't need to describe this hospital meal, you know it's delicious. Everything except what's on the tray.

And the grand finale - HOSPITAL BURGER AND FRIES!!! Someone bring me ketchup and send me to heaven..!