I like the name, the atmosphere, and the prices. It really has that ‘corner burger joint’ feel about the food, which I really appreciate.

O! Burger. Oh yes.

        

In fact, I am offended. This burger is so bad that it makes me angry. You know why? Because it makes a mockery of the very ‘idea’ of a burger.

Look at this abomination:

The Krystal Burger - The World's Worst Burger

Now, I am totally not the kind of person to make fun of things which are deformed, or not made to fit the world’s classifications of beauty. I myself and an overweight, unattractive, disgusting male human being.

But the thing is, this burger has been purposefully sculpted in this way.  The creators of the Krystal Burger actually thought this would qualify as a good thing.

Let me break it down for you:

1. It’s more bun than burger. Way more. I judge it to be about 80% bread. And this might not have been such a bad thing except:
2. The bun is one of those ‘cakey’ sugary, bleachy white things which can sit on the shelf for a week and still be soft. These rolls themselves are a disgrace to the baking world.
3. No decoration on the bun. There are no sesame seeds, no poppy seeds, nothing. Just a ‘dime-a-dozen’ bread roll, uniformly shaped, and uniformly cooked. It’s inhuman!
4. No cheese. No cheese? Are you kidding? Why not just stab your throat with a chopstick? I can clearly understand the cheeseless burger mob, and it can be great sometimes when there’s no cheese on the burger. But this pile of crap has nothing else on it, so where’s the cheese?
5. Perfectly uniform paddy. The paddy fits the exact measurement of the base of the bun. This is like robot food. No soul, nothing human about it. Again, you might as well blend up your food and take it intraveinously.
6. Nothing dripping. Were’s the stuff hanging out the sides of it? Nothing. Nothing at all.
7. No ketchup – Wow. What a joke. All you get is this ballpark mustard rubbish which has more in common with snot than with the ground seeds of the mustard bush.
8. No grease. No grease, therefore, not a burger.
9. Square. WHAT THE HELL?!?!
10. The thinnest piece of meat which could possible qualify as a paddy. I bet if you hold it up to the light you can see through it.

This is the most disgusting and horrible looking thing I have ever seen.

Krystal – you suck! Someone ought to take a hammer to the eyeballs of whoever invented this piece of utter, utter rubbish.

        

Barack Obama has decided to stuff some hamburgers into his face.

That’s right, folk. McFats.com is now famous for persuading the president of the United States to eat a hamburger.

And, Fatguy himself was there to get the photo.

Even Barack Obama eats burgers. You should too.

        

Now, I have not witnessed this marvel in true life, I have only found it on a blog. So I cannot confirm the reality of this little gem. However, I am 100% convinced that this thing exists.

Cheeseburger in a can! Who could imagine it?

This blog is all about pics, so here they are… ALL PICS ARE FROM WWW.DIGYOUROWNGRAVE.COM. I have not visited it but it seems they own these photos, therefore I hope you visit them or dig a hole or do whatever it is they want you to do.

Cheeseburger in a can. It has potential...

Well here it is. You can just smell the 'cheesiness'...

Well the cooking instructions must’ve said to either heat it over a fire or stick it on a frying pan, whilest still inside the tin. I doubt the latter, but that’s what this girl did.

How to prepare the Cheeseburger in a tin.

I don’t deny that there’s potentially a great meal here. I mean, cheeseburger in a tin can – what would be a more awesome product than that? Freshly baked bread, melted cheese, glistening char-broiled paddy… should be good!

The canned-burger promise...

But the actual result was somewhat …. drab..

The actual burger..

Let’s rip this fella open and see what his guts are made of…

My god, it's like there's a party on the bun and everyone's vomiting

The girl on the website tried to get it down her gullet nonetheless. Reportedly she is still recovering. “It smelt worse than it looked, and it tasted worse than it smelled” is what she would have said if I told her to say it. But the gist is about what she said on her own.

It looks absolutely horrid. But, nothing a swathe of ketchup can't fix.

        

Burger lunch

This is what I’d like to wake up next to each morning, sorry Dorris!

        

But In’N'Out burger is going a little bit too far with their offer to put as many slices of cheese and pattys on a burger as possible. I mean, look at this:

In'n'Out Burger - Can you count the patties?

It’s really a little bit insane. But it’s oh so damn miraculous too! I am happy to spend $200 for a meter of beef and cheese. I really am. But I haven’t yet. I am thinking about the fact that it will get cold really fast, and I honestly could handle the one in the pic, but that would make me order something bigger, like, for example, this :

Two cows, two tons of cheese. And one guy with a big mouth.

See what I mean? It’s really really crazy. Not like, ‘wow that’s great!’ crazy, but … What a waste of food! I doubt whoever ordered it will manage even a third of it. Of course, if there’s a group eating it then the only thing I can really complain about is that I wasn’t invited….

        

Scroll to the bottom to find out why hamburgers make me feel all warm and happy inside.

One of the better fast food burgers in the world.

Quite a meaty burger. Not enough crap inside for me, though!

Another fast food burger. Fast, big, fatty goodness!

That looks like a mustard relish on the upper bun. Nice..!

This looks like it could be the star of the post.

Ok ok, I have to pause for a moment here and just comment on how utterly AMAZING this burger looks. I see beef, cheese, ketchup, bacon, lettuce, onion, pickle… tomato.. The ideal burger combination, by the way! Bbut look at the bacon, it’s exploding out of the bun, and that is how I like it. I like my burgers to squish out the sides, rather than stack up. And this one has almost perfect proportions. Nice!

Fast food burger again, with a heavenly glisten to it.

Too much beef, perhaps? NO!

A nice stacker, not too high, not too light.. About right.

Not bad, not bad. I like the jalepenos but it's a pitty it doesn't have a real bun.

You just KNOW this is going all over your face, belly, and chest.

Hamburgers:

1. Are delicious
2. Come in many shapes and forms
3. Can contain any meat which exists in the world.
4. Can contain no meat and still be delicious.
5. Are basically just a sandwich – and sandwiches are healthy!
6. Were so popular they had a city named after them in Germany (Hamburg).
7. Have been sold more than 10,000,000,000 times across the globe as a single meal.
8. Contain only the healthy food groups.
9. Were originally invented as a meat storage device.
10. Never taste bad.

        

It’s available from Thurman’s Cafe in Columbia.

A massive 4.5 pound burger from Thurman's.

From what I understand, there’s a lot of beef in there, it looks like bacon too, a few different types of cheese, some kind of glazed onions or something, tomato, lettuce, and I can’t see any ketchup but there could be mayonnaise in there somewhere. The fries look great too.

This is the kind of thing which puts a great big smile on my face. Good job!

        

But strangely, the whole world looks at fat people and thinks ‘McDonald’s’. But why, I got fat from drinking a carton beer every day. And here’s irrefutable video evidence that skinny and attractive young women eat at this world famous burger joint.

See? Now, I need to put on my McDonald’s eating hat and take a trip down to the local drive-thru. I’m going to get the standard: two Big Macs, two Cheeseburgers, and whatever special burger they have. I think it’s some kind of ribs sammich thing.

        

The burger is available to any who order it, but the special people like me go for the chance to get our name on the wall. To do this, you have to eat the thing within two hours, and I mean everything. Not a scrap can be left on your plate.

The burger contains:

• 1.5 pounds of freshly ground beef
• 1 pound of bacon
• a quarter pound of American cheese
• as much lettuce, tomatos, pickles, and onions as they can manage to stuff inside.

Check out these happy campers:

The Mega Mel Burger

This Mega Mel Burger looks a little top heavy

Mega Mel - enough to feed a classroom.

Even Emo kids like Mega Mel.

Well there you have it.

This is the most sumptuous burger I have ever had. The lettuce and tomato really help, because the other part of the burger is really heavy and gooey, and from time to time it’s nice to refresh the palette with some vegetable matter.

I literally just ate a pizza, but right now I am feeling so so so hungry for a burger. Any burger! I must have that fat juicy flame grilled goodness…