Before you all begin to jump up and down with rage claiming that the Sloppy Joe is a classic which doesn’t need to be messed with – let me just say this – I know.

Nevertheless there exists the Sloppy Jane – Is it Joe’s slightly wobbly little sister, or perhaps a slightly slimmer feminine side which only comes out after a bottle of absinthe?

Either way the Sloppy Jane is not something to be trifled with. It can actually be a fairly decent meal in it’s own way. Even though eating it feels like you are on some kind of diet or the chef forgot how to make a proper Sloppy Joe.

The Sloppy Jane is like fat-free milk. It could possibly take the place of real milk but you will always feel like you’re missing something when you drink it.

But here are some nice photos taken of Sloppy Janes at various locations around the country.

The Sloppy Jane in its natural environment. Summer salad and clean plate. Feminine. Definitely.

A slightly more manly Sloppy Jane. This one has some potato wedges at least. Were they fried in duck fat? I hope so.

No. No, sorry. Your efforts to masculate this thing were valiant, however simply piling more Jane onto it is actually increasing the amount of Jane. Sorry.

This one is like one of those famous celebrities who we all know is gay but who keeps trying to show the public otherwise…

I’d definitely eat this one. But then I’d order a 10×10 with bacon for desert I think.

That looks too much like pickled pumpkin for my liking. If it actually is, I am never ordering one of these bastards again.

Sloppy Jane’s Pair. Nice Pair.

I know I would enjoy it but why can’t there be bacon and hot sauce and maybe a bit of habanero inside? Please?

So that’s it. What do you think? Nice food? Did the photos look OK to you or were some of them low quality?

Now, if I had a son, I’d be happy if he was like Pete. He reminds me so much of myself when I was a lad (all except the good teeth).

If you ever wanted to get an idea of how I eat, it’s a little like this video. I am a lot slower though. I prefer to enjoy every grease-soaked mouthful of food like this. Plus, if I tried to eat that fast I’d probably choke to death.

Here he is, Pete eating a burger with 12 slices of cheese and 12 beef patties!

….And, we’re back.

This wonderful, juicy, Type-B burger from Hardee’s, the Bacon Cheese Thick Burger has been getting a bad rap lately because people say it looks nothing like the burger in the ads.

Well, I’ll be.

Just look at this thing. It’s awesome!

Hardees Bacon Cheese ThickBurger from McFats.com

The European onion in this thing does give it too much of a kick but it’s nothing that a splash of ketchup can’t fix.

I say buy three of them! Stuff them into your face like there’s no tomorrow. Fork the advertisemen

.. is quite a nice place. They do a great burger and their burnt onion bits hit the spot nicely.

I like the name, the atmosphere, and the prices. It really has that ‘corner burger joint’ feel about the food, which I really appreciate.

O! Burger. Oh yes.

The Krystal Burger is the worst burger in the world.

In fact, I am offended. This burger is so bad that it makes me angry. You know why? Because it makes a mockery of the very ‘idea’ of a burger.

Look at this abomination:

The Krystal Burger - The World's Worst Burger

Now, I am totally not the kind of person to make fun of things which are deformed, or not made to fit the world’s classifications of beauty. I myself and an overweight, unattractive, disgusting male human being.

But the thing is, this burger has been purposefully sculpted in this way.  The creators of the Krystal Burger actually thought this would qualify as a good thing.

Let me break it down for you:

1. It’s more bun than burger. Way more. I judge it to be about 80% bread. And this might not have been such a bad thing except:
2. The bun is one of those ‘cakey’ sugary, bleachy white things which can sit on the shelf for a week and still be soft. These rolls themselves are a disgrace to the baking world.
3. No decoration on the bun. There are no sesame seeds, no poppy seeds, nothing. Just a ‘dime-a-dozen’ bread roll, uniformly shaped, and uniformly cooked. It’s inhuman!
4. No cheese. No cheese? Are you kidding? Why not just stab your throat with a chopstick? I can clearly understand the cheeseless burger mob, and it can be great sometimes when there’s no cheese on the burger. But this pile of crap has nothing else on it, so where’s the cheese?
5. Perfectly uniform paddy. The paddy fits the exact measurement of the base of the bun. This is like robot food. No soul, nothing human about it. Again, you might as well blend up your food and take it intraveinously.
6. Nothing dripping. Were’s the stuff hanging out the sides of it? Nothing. Nothing at all.
7. No ketchup – Wow. What a joke. All you get is this ballpark mustard rubbish which has more in common with snot than with the ground seeds of the mustard bush.
8. No grease. No grease, therefore, not a burger.
9. Square. WHAT THE HELL?!?!
10. The thinnest piece of meat which could possible qualify as a paddy. I bet if you hold it up to the light you can see through it.

This is the most disgusting and horrible looking thing I have ever seen.

Krystal – you suck! Someone ought to take a hammer to the eyeballs of whoever invented this piece of utter, utter rubbish.

Yes that’s right. After reading a few posts and looking at a few images on McFats.com, Barack Obama himself has decided to reach out and embrace the delicious side of food. 

Barack Obama has decided to stuff some hamburgers into his face.

That’s right, folk. McFats.com is now famous for persuading the president of the United States to eat a hamburger.

And, Fatguy himself was there to get the photo.

Even Barack Obama eats burgers. You should too.

Burger in a can. Yes that’s right. Cheese burger.

Now, I have not witnessed this marvel in true life, I have only found it on a blog. So I cannot confirm the reality of this little gem. However, I am 100% convinced that this thing exists.

Cheeseburger in a can! Who could imagine it?

This blog is all about pics, so here they are… ALL PICS ARE FROM WWW.DIGYOUROWNGRAVE.COM. I have not visited it but it seems they own these photos, therefore I hope you visit them or dig a hole or do whatever it is they want you to do.

Cheeseburger in a can. It has potential...

Well here it is. You can just smell the 'cheesiness'...

Well the cooking instructions must’ve said to either heat it over a fire or stick it on a frying pan, whilest still inside the tin. I doubt the latter, but that’s what this girl did.

How to prepare the Cheeseburger in a tin.

I don’t deny that there’s potentially a great meal here. I mean, cheeseburger in a tin can – what would be a more awesome product than that? Freshly baked bread, melted cheese, glistening char-broiled paddy… should be good!

The canned-burger promise...

But the actual result was somewhat …. drab..

The actual burger..

Let’s rip this fella open and see what his guts are made of…

My god, it's like there's a party on the bun and everyone's vomiting

The girl on the website tried to get it down her gullet nonetheless. Reportedly she is still recovering. “It smelt worse than it looked, and it tasted worse than it smelled” is what she would have said if I told her to say it. But the gist is about what she said on her own.

It looks absolutely horrid. But, nothing a swathe of ketchup can't fix.

A quick burger lunch. Two burgers, that is. And some fries. What do you make of these little beasts? My immediate impression is that they look really fresh and healthy, for burgers. The fries look like the weak spot here but with a slathering of bbq sauce on them they are going to pass my taste test.

Burger lunch

This is what I’d like to wake up next to each morning, sorry Dorris!

I know, I know. More about burgers. Well, I like them. 

But In’N'Out burger is going a little bit too far with their offer to put as many slices of cheese and pattys on a burger as possible. I mean, look at this:

In'n'Out Burger - Can you count the patties?

It’s really a little bit insane. But it’s oh so damn miraculous too! I am happy to spend $200 for a meter of beef and cheese. I really am. But I haven’t yet. I am thinking about the fact that it will get cold really fast, and I honestly could handle the one in the pic, but that would make me order something bigger, like, for example, this :

Two cows, two tons of cheese. And one guy with a big mouth.

See what I mean? It’s really really crazy. Not like, ‘wow that’s great!’ crazy, but … What a waste of food! I doubt whoever ordered it will manage even a third of it. Of course, if there’s a group eating it then the only thing I can really complain about is that I wasn’t invited….

Scroll to the bottom to find out why hamburgers make me feel all warm and happy inside.

One of the better fast food burgers in the world.

Quite a meaty burger. Not enough crap inside for me, though!

Another fast food burger. Fast, big, fatty goodness!

That looks like a mustard relish on the upper bun. Nice..!

This looks like it could be the star of the post.

Ok ok, I have to pause for a moment here and just comment on how utterly AMAZING this burger looks. I see beef, cheese, ketchup, bacon, lettuce, onion, pickle… tomato.. The ideal burger combination, by the way! Bbut look at the bacon, it’s exploding out of the bun, and that is how I like it. I like my burgers to squish out the sides, rather than stack up. And this one has almost perfect proportions. Nice!

Fast food burger again, with a heavenly glisten to it.

Too much beef, perhaps? NO!

A nice stacker, not too high, not too light.. About right.

Not bad, not bad. I like the jalepenos but it's a pitty it doesn't have a real bun.

You just KNOW this is going all over your face, belly, and chest.

Hamburgers:

1. Are delicious
2. Come in many shapes and forms
3. Can contain any meat which exists in the world.
4. Can contain no meat and still be delicious.
5. Are basically just a sandwich – and sandwiches are healthy!
6. Were so popular they had a city named after them in Germany (Hamburg).
7. Have been sold more than 10,000,000,000 times across the globe as a single meal.
8. Contain only the healthy food groups.
9. Were originally invented as a meat storage device.
10. Never taste bad.