Ok I’m a gigantic tit-flapping, sweating oaf of an omnivore. Yes, I am. Only fatter and sweattier. In fact I’m losing the ability to walk more than a hundred yards without a five minute rest.
And there’s a simple reason for it. I eat a lot. I gorge myself every day on probably the least healthy consumables I can find. I like the taste. I like the feeling and I sometimes imagine myself as some kind of king, living off the riches of the land.
But there’s things which even a mammoth unholy food digester like myself scoffs at. Yes. They are known as food and surely have some nutrition. But for me, this is not food. It’s scraps. It’s detritus. It’s leftovers, throwaways, it’s at best a mere framing for the real foods.
So what am I babbling about? Let’s start:
Boiled fish
Boiled fish is Not food. It’s flavorless protein which comes from some kind of swimming creature which swims in it’s own faeces. Maybe it’s it’s so deeply battered and fried that it is a mere white smudge inside a spicy crunchy casing it can be eaten. But plainly boiled? No. Not food.
This leads me nicely into my next objection:
Boiled potatoes
I’m sorry. If these nuggets of the earth aren’t fried in about six month old chip oil then they are just not food. Why would anyone except a starving begger on the streets of Cape Town bother to put this flavourless lump of carbohydrate into their mouth?
Directions: Cut into fries. Fry. Add salt. Then let’s talk.
Speaking of carbohydrates..:
Plain pasta
Yeah, ok sure it has some kind of red sauce, possibly of the tomato variety, on it. But it’s boiled pasta. It’s the meal of orphan italian fish peddlers. It’s what cardboard tied to the foot is to leather boots. It’s what a blade of grass is to bamboo. It’s… not going to kill you if you eat it but it’s just not the real thing. It’s not food. It’s a shadow of food. And the sad thing is, people actually eat it.
Directions: Add about 200% of the pasta’s volume in mixed cheeses, bake in the oven, slather in proper ketchup. Cut into hunks, crumb, deep fry, add salt. Enjoy.
Vegetable broth
How this meal originated I cannot imagine but I assume it was a very poor farmer who went blind, and instead of telling him that they had no food in the house, his wife got a great big bowl of hot water, put some vegetable clippings and peels into it, added salt, boiled it, and stuck his head in it.
Thus was born the most useless ‘dish’ imaginable. I’ll take my water in a bottle of soda thanks. Not in a bowl with vegetable peels floating in it.
Speaking of vegetables…:
Kimchi
Kimchi. If you’ve ever been to Korea or had the guts to try any Korean cooking, then you’ll probably know what this is. It is the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the cullinary world.
Kimchi is:
- Improper use of the pickling process
- Based on non-foods such as cabbage
- Served only after it has gone beyond the definition of ‘fresh’.
If you can imagine a more disastrous waste of spices, then you just haven’t eaten kimchi. It’s like God tried to create a meal which was the physical representation of the atmosphere created by a very small and warm room containing twenty flatulent sumo wrestlers.
If the smell doesn’t get you, the texture will.
But in terms of texture, there’s worse…:
Finely-boned fish
It’s like… “Ok we couldn’t find anything to grill but whatever that cat is eating looks nice!”
It’s not even food. I wouldn’t classify this as edible in the slightest. Firstly, it’s rubbish. It is a dead fish. It’s like someone pulled it out of the trash can, smeared it in the gutter, and grilled it.
It’s not even possible to eat this thing unless you have the patience of a sleeping Zen master. You spend more time picking the bones out of your mouth and choking on the needle-thin bits of anti-food that you’d seriously have spent your time better if you ate your own fingernails.
Fish is not food. And you know what else is not food..:
Tofu
Tofu. What the hell is it? I’ll tell you. It’s wood pulp, paper mache, and chalk.
It’s eaten by the type of people who say things like “Oooh I am so great, I don’t eat meat. I’d rather massacre an entire field of beanstalks, beat the juice out of them, let it fester and mould, and then give it a stupid name, and then eat the result.”
Such people should be eaten themselves, for whatever meat they’ve got on their bones. How’s that for saving the world?
Then again, maybe I’ve got this all wrong. Maybe Tofu is some kind of specially-formulated, placebo food designed specifically to cause vegans to starve to death…
And speaking of bloody vegans…I’ll tell you what else is not food:
Vegan meal
Oh Vegans if you care so much about the animal slaughter maybe you should cut your heads off in protest? Why do you have to gather up all the most obscure vegetable matter from around the world, put it together in some boiled and salt-free way, and then call it food?
I’ve got a really good idea.
If you want to save the animals, stop eating their dinner.
You know these vegan people have to consume twice as much food as ordinary people. And they require supplimentary vitamins and minerals, even injections sometimes. And they all still walk around like zombies. What’s the point? Instead of saving the animals, how about you save the world – from yourselves.
Croissants
Croissants. They promise a filling every time. But they always let you down.
Look at the puffiness! They could be filled with melted cheese, maybe some bacon… or maybe chocolate… from the outside they look like a real treat!
But as soon as you bite into them, your teeth are swimming in air, bits of dandruff are flaking off it all over the place, and if you breathe in you’re going to choke on it.
Croissants suck! And what’s more, they’re French! I say we rename them immediately to “Disappointment Puffs”.
But there’s nothing worse than…:
Brussels sprouts
Brussels sprouts. With the extra ‘s’. Because they come from a land of stinky hairy cheese factory workers.
Stinky men who swim in mouldy cheese have somehow managed to instill this vegetable with a stench which burns under a green flame.
They are every kid’s nightmare. They are like little cabbages, which only just missed out on this list themselves. But this stuff is like taking the worst vegetable you can imagine, compressing it, and serving in a single bowl what has essentially the equivalent flatulence potential as a sack of cabbages.
I can’t go on. I need a burger.
This is the worst post on this entire blog!!!Arrghtghhhhhhhhh get me out of herere…………….1r541e1r!#$!#$!@#$ beep
