The Krystal Burger is the worst burger in the world.

In fact, I am offended. This burger is so bad that it makes me angry. You know why? Because it makes a mockery of the very ‘idea’ of a burger.

Look at this abomination:

The Krystal Burger - The World's Worst Burger

Now, I am totally not the kind of person to make fun of things which are deformed, or not made to fit the world’s classifications of beauty. I myself and an overweight, unattractive, disgusting male human being.

But the thing is, this burger has been purposefully sculpted in this way.  The creators of the Krystal Burger actually thought this would qualify as a good thing.

Let me break it down for you:

1. It’s more bun than burger. Way more. I judge it to be about 80% bread. And this might not have been such a bad thing except:
2. The bun is one of those ‘cakey’ sugary, bleachy white things which can sit on the shelf for a week and still be soft. These rolls themselves are a disgrace to the baking world.
3. No decoration on the bun. There are no sesame seeds, no poppy seeds, nothing. Just a ‘dime-a-dozen’ bread roll, uniformly shaped, and uniformly cooked. It’s inhuman!
4. No cheese. No cheese? Are you kidding? Why not just stab your throat with a chopstick? I can clearly understand the cheeseless burger mob, and it can be great sometimes when there’s no cheese on the burger. But this pile of crap has nothing else on it, so where’s the cheese?
5. Perfectly uniform paddy. The paddy fits the exact measurement of the base of the bun. This is like robot food. No soul, nothing human about it. Again, you might as well blend up your food and take it intraveinously.
6. Nothing dripping. Were’s the stuff hanging out the sides of it? Nothing. Nothing at all.
7. No ketchup – Wow. What a joke. All you get is this ballpark mustard rubbish which has more in common with snot than with the ground seeds of the mustard bush.
8. No grease. No grease, therefore, not a burger.
9. Square. WHAT THE HELL?!?!
10. The thinnest piece of meat which could possible qualify as a paddy. I bet if you hold it up to the light you can see through it.

This is the most disgusting and horrible looking thing I have ever seen.

Krystal – you suck! Someone ought to take a hammer to the eyeballs of whoever invented this piece of utter, utter rubbish.

Let me explain how I created last night’s dinner.

Step 1, preparing the marinade.

1. Heat over a warm stove (not hot) a mixture of apple cider vinnegar and water. (about two litres. 80% water.)
2. Add a smallish (not heaped) cup of sugar, let it melt in.
3. Add a cup of fresh rosemary (or dried if it’s all you’ve got).
4. Add a teaspoon of onion powder if you have it. A tablespoon ‘Aromatic salt’ might be alright, if it has onion powder in it.
5. If you didn’t add aromatic salt, add a tablespoon of kosher salt.
6. Warm and let the marinade fully infuse for an hour. Don’t let it get anywhere close to boiling.

Step 2, marinading

Well I usually use large, heavy-duty ziplock bags for the marinating process. I feel that they’re the easiest to get the air out of (which is important), and usually don’t puncture even in my rough sausage hands.

1. Place the racks of lamb into the ziplock bag.
2. Pour the warm marinade into the bag, making sure you get all the grit in there as well.
3. Force the air out of the bag and seal it.
4. Mash it around a bit so that the marinade gets a good chance to penetrate the meat.
5. Let the sealed bag cool at room temperature for an hour.

Step 3, browning.

1. Get a seriously hot grill going on your stove or barbecue. I use a cast-iron griddle pan for this. It smokes like hell but I have a jet fan to keep the room clear of fumes. Doing outside on the barbecue is even better.
2. Remove the racks of lamb from the marinade, keeping as much of the marinade inside the bag as you can (we’ll use it later.
3. Towel-dry the racks of lamb using paper towels or a dish cloth (I use a dishcloth, I have never found a good enough paper towel).
4. Add some sunflower oil or other high-heat tolerant cooking oil. It should sizzle and pop and might even flare up.
5. Throw the racks of lamb onto the griddle. Make sure you get as much surface conact as possible.
6. Let them fry for 30 seconds and then turn them over.
7. Try to brown the edges of the racks also.
8. The goal is to create a brown (or even black) crust of ‘burnt’ meat on the racks. Of course, I say burnt, but don’t go nuts. It should just be browned and not cooked inside.

Step 4, braising

1. Heat your oven to 140 C or the F equivalent.
2. Place the browned racks of lamb into a deep try and pour the marinade over the top.
3. Place the tray into the oven
4. Cook for 2-3 hours, depending on the size of the racks of lamb. If they take on that ‘falling off the bone’ look, they are done.
5. Remember to baste or spoon the marinade over the top of them every 15 – 20 minutes or so.

You can of course add potatoes, carrots, or other vegetables to the tray. I like to add both. Usually I grill the cooked vegetables at the end of the process, to burn them up a bit.

Braised lamb racks in a rosemary marinade

Yep I am just having breakfast now.

Here’s a sneak preview:

It's fried bacon and eggs in a toasted sandwich.