Oh dear. The very idea is ridiculous but don’t let that stop you. Let the utterly disgusting vomit-worthy thing which comes out of the can stop you. It is filthy. It is grotesque. It is depression-era food today.
Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken
And by golly is this one a shocker.
Not sure how many of you have been privileged enough to smell rotten cat food when it comes out of the can, but for those of you who have – apon opening this canned whole chicken thing, you’ll be transported back to exactly that smell. It smells like someone shovelled dead rodents into a big old blender, heated the result, and fermented it in bile.
This thing is horrid. Here’s the can:
Sweet Sue and her Canned Whole Chicken.
Now, ‘Home style goodness’ to me sounds like I should expect chicken like my mammy used to broil. So I should expect crunchy skin, cruncy bones, and meat which has more in common with leather than mere durability.
And what do I get?
Well let’s read a little something before we open up this can of goodness.
How to massacre your tastebuds, Sweet Sue style
I mean, there’s no level of drunkenness which can make the concept of a whole chicken in a can appealing.
“Be sure to save the delicious broth.”
Save it from what? How about saving me? Save me from this horrid, stinky, vomit-inducing rotbox!
I note, at this point they’ve used the term ‘delicious’ three times. In fact it’s the only adjective they’ve used. I am really hoping that the smell is part of some kind of conspiracy and in reality it is actually going to taste ‘delicious’.
Sweet Sue is giving birth to alien vomit
Oh look, there’s the ‘delicious broth’ .. it’s that translucent gelly substance which is lubricating the raw hen out of the can. Even dog food isn’t this bad.
A Fully-cooked tinned chicken? Methinks not.
There’s no way this thing is cooked. I wouldn’t trust Sweet Sue as far as I can throw her. And pretty soon I will be throwing her. Up. All over the kitchen floor.
Just look at all that delicious!
Technically edible. But then again, so is compost.
At this point it’s time to serve a piping hot chicken dinner to the local hobos, who certainly will find a lot more positive emotions towards this monstrosity.
I mean really, who came up with the idea?
A bunch of drunks sit around a kitchen at 3 am.
“Anythin to eat?” Drunk One asks.
“I could eat a whole —ing horse!” Drunk Two exclaims.
“You could eat many wh0res you fat f-ck!” Drunk One points out.
“I said horses, nobody mentioned your mom at all!” Drunk Two joshes.
“Hey, guys, I have some tinned tomatoes if you want.” The Host says, diplomatically adjusting the subject.
Drunk One and Drunk Two look at each other after a swig from their glasses, challenging themselves to accept the offer.
“You know what’d be nice? Canned beef.” Drunk One says.
“F-ck that! I would eat a canned horse!” Drunk Two claims, slamming his glass onto the table and spilling the contents slightly.
Some pondering occurs as The Host applies a paper towel to the spillage.
“You know guys,” The Host says, “they put everything in tins these days. What I’d like is tinned meat, ready to eat. And not that Spam stuff.”
Drunk One blinks. His eyebrows waggle as though he’s just been dealt a winning poker hand. “How about a tinned chicken? You know, ready serve? Just open and heat up?”
“By golly, Sue, I think that’s a winner!” Drunk Two says, then dives across the table to express his passion for the concept of poultry in a tin.
And thus… Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken was born.
For the next saga.. send me your other disugsting tinned goods, I’ll be sure to try and eat them. email to fatguy [at] mcfats.com (replace [at] with @ and remove spaces).