Well, I am overweight. I am morbidly obese, in fact.
Society these days is all about worshipping the skinny, bone-thin supermodels and ripped actors. So for me it is a daily struggle to be the food-worshipper that I am. Because, well, I have to waddle through life being the center of attraction (no gravitational pun intended) due to my massive size, rather than my good looks.
And if I go food shopping, which I do, each week, it is a matter of pushing two shopping carts around with me, and a two-hour trip around the supermarket because damnit, I am slow.
I spend hundreds of dollars per week on food – and you know what, I love it! I love to eat rubbish foods and pollute my body, it is just the way I am. I know I should eat a small bowl of rice rather than a bucket of deep-fried chicken – but you know what? Food makes me feel better.
If I’m hungry, sad, depressed, the spices, the oil, the fat, the tender salty meat goodness contained in a bucket of K.F.C. is like a little comfort pillow to me. It gives me a moment of pure bliss, while I cover my face in fats and shove the meat into my mouth. I used to crunch up the bones to get as much out of the meal as possible – but now I just buy two meals.
Well, I’m a fat bugger. It’s true. I will have heart problems and health problems (I already do) – but this is me. The food is available, and I want it. And, I can get it. It’s simple.
But being massively overweight in today’s society is actually not quite as horrible as one might think. For example there’s a hell of a lot of fat people here in Texas, I’m more like the ‘fat guy’ of the fat people. There’s probably some support groups out there, and I do chat on IRC with other heffers like myself (mostly about food), so that also helps. There’s plenty of us, there really are. And all we have to conquor is the stares and occasional giggles and comments. But yes, I am aware that my ass requires three bus seats, and that I ought to cart my belly around in a wheelbarrow – and I am happy to be this way. Well, strictly speaking I’d rather be a muscular twenty-year old, but I’m me, in whatever shape or form.
I have plenty to contribute to society. Now in this communication age, I don’t need to meet anyone face-to-face if I don’t want to. I can be myself, my ideas, I can add my brain’s computational power to the world despite having manboobs the size of a hock of ham.
So, if you’re like me, a great big fat lump of stored energy, then rejoice! We’re living in the right era for people like us – and we’re a dying breed. A health revolution will hit the country soon and we’ll be long forgotten…
Finally Tom Cruise has started dropping some pounds. He’s still looking rather hefty, but it’s good to see that his scientological diet has made some difference:
Tom Cruise used to be twice the size. Now he's slimming down for his new role in 'Glaak: Alien Dancer'.
Yeah. So. I read an article in the Mail Online which said there can be more than a wine glass full of oil in a kebab. Now, this is just ridiculous in my opinion. It means what? It means some unqualified person did a pseudo-scientific study of a kebab (I hope more than one) and what, sqeezed the oil out into a wine glass?
It makes no sense to me.
Oh no, wait, the very first sentence of the article says:
A shocking survey of takeaways has found a doner kebab containing the equivalent of a wine glass full of cooking oil.
So this was not a scientific study, nor was it even an experiment, nor was it any kind of actual test. It was a ‘survey’.
A survey, by definition, is a series of questions asked to a variety of people. So how, pray tell, can a survey uncover a kebab with a glass of oil in it?
Survey carried out during kebab shop peak hours, 3 am on saturday morning:
‘Scientist’: “Sir, how much oil do you reckon there is in that thar kebab?” Drunken kebab patron: “Mwaar.. gimme a glass of wine…” ‘Scientist’: “A wine glass, you say. Duly noted. Thank you.”
‘Scientist’: “Sir, how much oil do you reckon there is in that thar kebab?”
Drunken kebab patron: “Mwaar.. gimme a glass of wine…”
‘Scientist’: “A wine glass, you say. Duly noted. Thank you.”
So – bugger you all kebab haters, no matter how vague the term ‘wine glass’ is – there is still probably not more than a teaspoon of oil in an average kebab.
Kebab - Not just a bucket of oil, you silly bastards.
So in conclusion I want to say – The media is totally wrong about ‘fast’ food. Kebabs are wonderful nutritous sandwich, containing valuable nutrients, and hell, a bloody lot of flavor.
Order a kebab today! I will be going down to the kebab place in a few hours to see what I can get.
BBW I think they call it in the erm.. adult industry (not that I’d know.. ) It refers to great big gelatenous women with more rolls than a bag of burgers – and for many people, they are extremely attractive.
So you see, ladies, being fat as hell is not something to be ashamed of, and you should carry on eating, growing, and expanding along with the universe, because damnit, you’re beautiful!
A big, beautiful woman consuming fried chicken...
Right well have a snack, open the gullet, and stick some more calories down your throat, you sexy babe!
And now she goes for a tiny little burger. C'mon darling you can eat more than that..!
More…!
More from KFC. This time it's the taters and gravy - and of course, the DIET coke.
Beautiful woman!
And here’s the result:
Good job! You broke the scales, which, incidentally, go up to 200 kilograms.
So you see? You can be as big as you want, ladies. Not even the scales are going to tell you you’re fat.
Relax, order your dinner, and by golly, enjoy it!
Margarita’s in Pasadina does a surprisingly buff plate of nachos, in case you’re interested!
This plate came topped with carne asada and went down in about four seconds flat. It is a very very decent plate of food, by anyone’s standards.
Margarita's Nachos
Noe we’re getting fat and juicy. This beast weighs in at 4.5 pounds of beef, a lot of trim, and a lot, yes a LOT of flavor.
It’s available from Thurman’s Cafe in Columbia.
A massive 4.5 pound burger from Thurman's.
From what I understand, there’s a lot of beef in there, it looks like bacon too, a few different types of cheese, some kind of glazed onions or something, tomato, lettuce, and I can’t see any ketchup but there could be mayonnaise in there somewhere. The fries look great too.
This is the kind of thing which puts a great big smile on my face. Good job!
So, I know a lot of people think that eating at McDonald’s will make you fat, but it’s just not true. I must admit I find their food to be about as real as a ghost’s handshake, but many many people love to eat it.
But strangely, the whole world looks at fat people and thinks ‘McDonald’s’. But why, I got fat from drinking a carton beer every day. And here’s irrefutable video evidence that skinny and attractive young women eat at this world famous burger joint.
See? Now, I need to put on my McDonald’s eating hat and take a trip down to the local drive-thru. I’m going to get the standard: two Big Macs, two Cheeseburgers, and whatever special burger they have. I think it’s some kind of ribs sammich thing.
It’s a simple recipe.
Fries, bbq ribs (slathered with appropriate sauces), with melted cheese on top.
That’s what Rub’s BBQ serves up to polite customers. Righteous Urban Barbecue, the place is called, and one look at this plate of miracle food – you can understand why. This place should be a church. I worship their ribs.
Rub's BBQ Ribs
If I could afford to eat there every day I would. Ribs are great. I would seriously kneel down at this place and praise the ribs. It is religious, just how good they are.
Now, this is going to make someone laugh, but when I plan to eat this particular dish I take a pair of chopsticks with me. I don’t know why, I just feel like… It’s healthier to eat that way, rather than succumb to my desires and stick my face in the hot cheese.
Have you done Mel? Mega Mel is the burger from Mel’s Country Cafe in Tomball, Texas. It is not just an ordinary burger, it’s not even an amazing burger, it is the King of Tomball, and, while there’s a lot and I mean a LOT of my kind of food in Texas, this is right up the top of the list for the most enjoyable.
The burger is available to any who order it, but the special people like me go for the chance to get our name on the wall. To do this, you have to eat the thing within two hours, and I mean everything. Not a scrap can be left on your plate.
The burger contains:
Check out these happy campers:
The Mega Mel Burger
This Mega Mel Burger looks a little top heavy
Mega Mel - enough to feed a classroom.
Even Emo kids like Mega Mel.
Well there you have it.
This is the most sumptuous burger I have ever had. The lettuce and tomato really help, because the other part of the burger is really heavy and gooey, and from time to time it’s nice to refresh the palette with some vegetable matter.
I literally just ate a pizza, but right now I am feeling so so so hungry for a burger. Any burger! I must have that fat juicy flame grilled goodness…
Kristen Cavallari took me out on a date a while ago and I managed to get her to pose in front of my dessert.
Kristen Cavallari Eats Healthy - You Can Too!
That’s right, it is not hers it’s mine – she ate a plate of steamed greens with a splash of vinegrette on it and that’s all.
Eat healthy, ladies – and you too could look like Kristen.
Now, about the delicious little cakes in front of her – well they were actually really too much for me to handle, I had eaten my way through two gigantic steaks, a caesar salad, some kind of octopus soup, and a cheese plate.
