Ok I’m a gigantic tit-flapping, sweating oaf of an omnivore. Yes, I am. Only fatter and sweattier. In fact I’m losing the ability to walk more than a hundred yards without a five minute rest.

And there’s a simple reason for it. I eat a lot. I gorge myself every day on probably the least healthy consumables I can find. I like the taste. I like the feeling and I sometimes imagine myself as some kind of king, living off the riches of the land.

But there’s things which even a mammoth unholy food digester like myself scoffs at. Yes. They are known as food and surely have some nutrition. But for me, this is not food. It’s scraps. It’s detritus. It’s leftovers, throwaways, it’s at best a mere framing for the real foods.

So what am I babbling about? Let’s start:

Boiled fish

Boiled fish is Not food. It’s flavorless protein which comes from some kind of swimming creature which swims in it’s own faeces. Maybe it’s it’s so deeply battered and fried that it is a mere white smudge inside a spicy crunchy casing it can be eaten. But plainly boiled? No. Not food.

This leads me nicely into my next objection:

Boiled potatoes

I’m sorry. If these nuggets of the earth aren’t fried in about six month old chip oil then they are just not food. Why would anyone except a starving begger on the streets of Cape Town bother to put this flavourless lump of carbohydrate into their mouth?

Directions: Cut into fries. Fry. Add salt. Then let’s talk.

Speaking of carbohydrates..:

Plain pasta

Yeah, ok sure it has some kind of red sauce, possibly of the tomato variety, on it. But it’s boiled pasta. It’s the meal of orphan italian fish peddlers. It’s what cardboard tied to the foot is to leather boots. It’s what a blade of grass is to bamboo. It’s… not going to kill you if you eat it but it’s just not the real thing. It’s not food. It’s a shadow of food. And the sad thing is, people actually eat it.

Directions: Add about 200% of the pasta’s volume in mixed cheeses, bake in the oven, slather in proper ketchup. Cut into hunks, crumb, deep fry, add salt. Enjoy.

Vegetable broth

How this meal originated I cannot imagine but I assume it was a very poor farmer who went blind, and instead of telling him that they had no food in the house, his wife got a great big bowl of hot water, put some vegetable clippings and peels into it, added salt, boiled it, and stuck his head in it.

Thus was born the most useless ‘dish’ imaginable. I’ll take my water in a bottle of soda thanks. Not in a bowl with vegetable peels floating in it.

Speaking of vegetables…:

Kimchi

Kimchi. If you’ve ever been to Korea or had the guts to try any Korean cooking, then you’ll probably know what this is. It is the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the cullinary world.

Kimchi is:

• Improper use of the pickling process
• Based on non-foods such as cabbage
• Served only after it has gone beyond the definition of ‘fresh’.

If you can imagine a more disastrous waste of spices, then you just haven’t eaten kimchi. It’s like God tried to create a meal which was the physical representation of the atmosphere created by a very small and warm room containing twenty flatulent sumo wrestlers.

If the smell doesn’t get you, the texture will.

But in terms of texture, there’s worse…:

Finely-boned fish

It’s like… “Ok we couldn’t find anything to grill but whatever that cat is eating looks nice!”

It’s not even food. I wouldn’t classify this as edible in the slightest. Firstly, it’s rubbish. It is a dead fish. It’s like someone pulled it out of the trash can, smeared it in the gutter, and grilled it.

It’s not even possible to eat this thing unless you have the patience of a sleeping Zen master. You spend more time picking the bones out of your mouth and choking on the needle-thin bits of anti-food that you’d seriously have spent your time better if you ate your own fingernails.

Fish is not food. And you know what else is not food..:

Tofu

Tofu. What the hell is it? I’ll tell you. It’s wood pulp, paper mache, and chalk.

It’s eaten by the type of people who say things like “Oooh I am so great, I don’t eat meat. I’d rather massacre an entire field of beanstalks, beat the juice out of them, let it fester and mould, and then give it a stupid name, and then eat the result.”

Such people should be eaten themselves, for whatever meat they’ve got on their bones. How’s that for saving the world?

Then again, maybe I’ve got this all wrong. Maybe Tofu is some kind of specially-formulated, placebo food designed specifically to cause vegans to starve to death…

And speaking of bloody vegans…I’ll tell you what else is not food:

Vegan meal

Oh Vegans if you care so much about the animal slaughter maybe you should cut your heads off in protest? Why do you have to gather up all the most obscure vegetable matter from around the world, put it together in some boiled and salt-free way, and then call it food?

I’ve got a really good idea.

If you want to save the animals, stop eating their dinner.

You know these vegan people have to consume twice as much food as ordinary people. And they require supplimentary vitamins and minerals, even injections sometimes. And they all still walk around like zombies. What’s the point? Instead of saving the animals, how about you save the world – from yourselves.

Croissants

Croissants. They promise a filling every time. But they always let you down.

Look at the puffiness! They could be filled with melted cheese, maybe some bacon… or maybe chocolate… from the outside they look like a real treat!

But as soon as you bite into them, your teeth are swimming in air, bits of dandruff are flaking off it all over the place, and if you breathe in you’re going to choke on it.

Croissants suck! And what’s more, they’re French! I say we rename them immediately to “Disappointment Puffs”.

But there’s nothing worse than…:

Brussels sprouts

Brussels sprouts. With the extra ’s’. Because they come from a land of stinky hairy cheese factory workers.

Stinky men who swim in mouldy cheese have somehow managed to instill this vegetable with a stench which burns under a green flame.

They are every kid’s nightmare. They are like little cabbages, which only just missed out on this list themselves. But this stuff is like taking the worst vegetable you can imagine, compressing it, and serving in a single bowl what has essentially the equivalent flatulence potential as a sack of cabbages.

I can’t go on. I need a burger.

This is the worst post on this entire blog!!!Arrghtghhhhhhhhh get me out of herere…………….1r541e1r!#$!#$!@#$ beep

        

Here, I’ve been pottering around on the ‘net looking for pictures of food today and I came across a lovely photo of a hospital burger, fries, and mashed potato with gravy. I thought to myself, well, hospital food seems to be coming up in the world. Burgers? Fries? In a HOSPITAL?

I assume it’s some kind of anti-health campaign which is designed to get more out of the customer’s pocket. Quite a devious ploy if you ask me.

And on the other hand.. Burgers… Fries… in a HOSPITAL! Whoopteedoo!! I’m going be asking for the triple-bypass burger when I go in for my triple bypass. Seriously.

But then I continued my research and found that actually, good meals are very hard to come across in hostpitals, and have been since the ’40’s.

I think there’s plenty of room for improvement but things are getting better. I mean, there’s all sorts of vending machines in hospitals these days. You can always ask the nurse to grab you a few twinkies or, if you’re a good little soldier perhaps they’ll sneak downstairs to the McDonald’s which so many hospitals have nowadays.

Well on with the visual rapery which is… HOSPITAL FOOD!

Plain, portioned, flavorless - yes, it can only be hospital food.

Ahah you see? Fried chicken, dinner roll, chocolate cake... no wonder she's smiling! And all it took was a bout of gout!

It's only hospital food because it didn't qualify as airplane food...

Brown with bleached mouse droppings. Or is it rice? Can you tell the difference when you're hopped up on morphine?

With fourteen grains of pepper, indigestible corn pellets, and something hinting at a digested taco bell meal, we call this one 'Tijuana Surprise'

It's christmas and you're in hospital. The good news is, they are pumping pure oxygen into the room, and your mother is going to help you eat your 'dinner'.

This is what good girls at the Angel Sweet Betty Crocker Sara Lee Catholic Ward get for every single meal.

We see a salad, a bread roll, chicken, rice, greens.. And a girl incapable of operating her fork.

I don't need to describe this hospital meal, you know it's delicious. Everything except what's on the tray.

And the grand finale - HOSPITAL BURGER AND FRIES!!! Someone bring me ketchup and send me to heaven..!

        

.. is quite a nice place. They do a great burger and their burnt onion bits hit the spot nicely.

I like the name, the atmosphere, and the prices. It really has that ‘corner burger joint’ feel about the food, which I really appreciate.

O! Burger. Oh yes.

        

The Krystal Burger is the worst burger in the world.

In fact, I am offended. This burger is so bad that it makes me angry. You know why? Because it makes a mockery of the very ‘idea’ of a burger.

Look at this abomination:

The Krystal Burger - The World's Worst Burger

Now, I am totally not the kind of person to make fun of things which are deformed, or not made to fit the world’s classifications of beauty. I myself and an overweight, unattractive, disgusting male human being.

But the thing is, this burger has been purposefully sculpted in this way.  The creators of the Krystal Burger actually thought this would qualify as a good thing.

Let me break it down for you:

1. It’s more bun than burger. Way more. I judge it to be about 80% bread. And this might not have been such a bad thing except:
2. The bun is one of those ‘cakey’ sugary, bleachy white things which can sit on the shelf for a week and still be soft. These rolls themselves are a disgrace to the baking world.
3. No decoration on the bun. There are no sesame seeds, no poppy seeds, nothing. Just a ‘dime-a-dozen’ bread roll, uniformly shaped, and uniformly cooked. It’s inhuman!
4. No cheese. No cheese? Are you kidding? Why not just stab your throat with a chopstick? I can clearly understand the cheeseless burger mob, and it can be great sometimes when there’s no cheese on the burger. But this pile of crap has nothing else on it, so where’s the cheese?
5. Perfectly uniform paddy. The paddy fits the exact measurement of the base of the bun. This is like robot food. No soul, nothing human about it. Again, you might as well blend up your food and take it intraveinously.
6. Nothing dripping. Were’s the stuff hanging out the sides of it? Nothing. Nothing at all.
7. No ketchup – Wow. What a joke. All you get is this ballpark mustard rubbish which has more in common with snot than with the ground seeds of the mustard bush.
8. No grease. No grease, therefore, not a burger.
9. Square. WHAT THE HELL?!?!
10. The thinnest piece of meat which could possible qualify as a paddy. I bet if you hold it up to the light you can see through it.

This is the most disgusting and horrible looking thing I have ever seen.

Krystal – you suck! Someone ought to take a hammer to the eyeballs of whoever invented this piece of utter, utter rubbish.

        

Let me explain how I created last night’s dinner.

Step 1, preparing the marinade.

1. Heat over a warm stove (not hot) a mixture of apple cider vinnegar and water. (about two litres. 80% water.)
2. Add a smallish (not heaped) cup of sugar, let it melt in.
3. Add a cup of fresh rosemary (or dried if it’s all you’ve got).
4. Add a teaspoon of onion powder if you have it. A tablespoon ‘Aromatic salt’ might be alright, if it has onion powder in it.
5. If you didn’t add aromatic salt, add a tablespoon of kosher salt.
6. Warm and let the marinade fully infuse for an hour. Don’t let it get anywhere close to boiling.

Step 2, marinading

Well I usually use large, heavy-duty ziplock bags for the marinating process. I feel that they’re the easiest to get the air out of (which is important), and usually don’t puncture even in my rough sausage hands.

1. Place the racks of lamb into the ziplock bag.
2. Pour the warm marinade into the bag, making sure you get all the grit in there as well.
3. Force the air out of the bag and seal it.
4. Mash it around a bit so that the marinade gets a good chance to penetrate the meat.
5. Let the sealed bag cool at room temperature for an hour.

Step 3, browning.

1. Get a seriously hot grill going on your stove or barbecue. I use a cast-iron griddle pan for this. It smokes like hell but I have a jet fan to keep the room clear of fumes. Doing outside on the barbecue is even better.
2. Remove the racks of lamb from the marinade, keeping as much of the marinade inside the bag as you can (we’ll use it later.
3. Towel-dry the racks of lamb using paper towels or a dish cloth (I use a dishcloth, I have never found a good enough paper towel).
4. Add some sunflower oil or other high-heat tolerant cooking oil. It should sizzle and pop and might even flare up.
5. Throw the racks of lamb onto the griddle. Make sure you get as much surface conact as possible.
6. Let them fry for 30 seconds and then turn them over.
7. Try to brown the edges of the racks also.
8. The goal is to create a brown (or even black) crust of ‘burnt’ meat on the racks. Of course, I say burnt, but don’t go nuts. It should just be browned and not cooked inside.

Step 4, braising

1. Heat your oven to 140 C or the F equivalent.
2. Place the browned racks of lamb into a deep try and pour the marinade over the top.
3. Place the tray into the oven
4. Cook for 2-3 hours, depending on the size of the racks of lamb. If they take on that ‘falling off the bone’ look, they are done.
5. Remember to baste or spoon the marinade over the top of them every 15 – 20 minutes or so.

You can of course add potatoes, carrots, or other vegetables to the tray. I like to add both. Usually I grill the cooked vegetables at the end of the process, to burn them up a bit.

Braised lamb racks in a rosemary marinade

        

Yep I am just having breakfast now.

Here’s a sneak preview:

It's fried bacon and eggs in a toasted sandwich.

        

Well, here they are, your photos from around the States depicting your American Lunch and, in some cases, you.

I don’t have space to publish all the photos I’ve received but here are the ones sent to me which you’ve given me permission to put on the site.

The theme, of course, is American Lunch, and by this we mean U.S.A. – a later feature will deal with the wonders of South American cuisine.

What I wanted sent in was photos of true American lunch. That is, not just whatever crap you are currently eating, but your idea of what a typical midday meal would be in U.S.A. Something ‘traditional’ and showing a bit of our culture.

Seems like it’s mostly burgers, and by golly, I think that’s absolutely wonderful.

The pics..!

Hot dog, diet coke, and Freedom Fries

Chilli Dog. And a mighty fine one, at that!

Coleslaw, Hamburger, and Fries. Looks a delightful snack!

The almost quintessential American lunch - Thick beef burger, Coke, and Fries.

Hot dog for the grown-up, sandwiches for the kiddies.

A big ole' plate of Freedom Fries and Ketchup.

Albeit this is a bit more 'upmarket' but it's still burger and fries.

And .. winner winner, chicken dinner! Well, not chicken, but Mexican tacos, soft, and steak, fries, ketchup, .. hang on … ketchup on a taco? I like it!

Lovely. The Tacos look great too! Plus, steak, fries... This is by far my favorite photo.

Unidentifiable. Potatoes, gravy, some kind of cheese sauce, and .. ketchup?

Your in-flight meal today is.. burger, and corn chips..!

A homemade ground beef sammich

Family cafeteria lunch. Mashed potatos, sausages, and .. stuff.

McDonald's chicken burger - lunch for millions of people every day.

Yes, it's burger and coke again.

McDonald's mystery bag and coke.

Kiddy burgers on vacation make everyone happy.

Nice girls, big mouths, big burgers. I love it!

Looks like pork chop, fries, and salad bits.

A proper sit-down meal. It seems to be assorted stews or curries with rice.

A thickshake for a Big Beautiful Woman

        

Yes that’s right. After reading a few posts and looking at a few images on McFats.com, Barack Obama himself has decided to reach out and embrace the delicious side of food. 

Barack Obama has decided to stuff some hamburgers into his face.

That’s right, folk. McFats.com is now famous for persuading the president of the United States to eat a hamburger.

And, Fatguy himself was there to get the photo.

Even Barack Obama eats burgers. You should too.

        

Burger in a can. Yes that’s right. Cheese burger.

Now, I have not witnessed this marvel in true life, I have only found it on a blog. So I cannot confirm the reality of this little gem. However, I am 100% convinced that this thing exists.

Cheeseburger in a can! Who could imagine it?

This blog is all about pics, so here they are… ALL PICS ARE FROM WWW.DIGYOUROWNGRAVE.COM. I have not visited it but it seems they own these photos, therefore I hope you visit them or dig a hole or do whatever it is they want you to do.

Cheeseburger in a can. It has potential...

Well here it is. You can just smell the 'cheesiness'...

Well the cooking instructions must’ve said to either heat it over a fire or stick it on a frying pan, whilest still inside the tin. I doubt the latter, but that’s what this girl did.

How to prepare the Cheeseburger in a tin.

I don’t deny that there’s potentially a great meal here. I mean, cheeseburger in a tin can – what would be a more awesome product than that? Freshly baked bread, melted cheese, glistening char-broiled paddy… should be good!

The canned-burger promise...

But the actual result was somewhat …. drab..

The actual burger..

Let’s rip this fella open and see what his guts are made of…

My god, it's like there's a party on the bun and everyone's vomiting

The girl on the website tried to get it down her gullet nonetheless. Reportedly she is still recovering. “It smelt worse than it looked, and it tasted worse than it smelled” is what she would have said if I told her to say it. But the gist is about what she said on her own.

It looks absolutely horrid. But, nothing a swathe of ketchup can't fix.

        

So this is a light breakfast. We have:

• Potato rushties
• Bacon
• French toast with cheese
• Devilled eggs
• Grated cheese
• Mayonnaise

Here is my 'light' breakfast. I'm taking the 'diet' route this morning.